


What could have been

by emberlyn_young



Category: No Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:28:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29148219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emberlyn_young/pseuds/emberlyn_young





	1. Chapter 1

I wish I knew I loved you, and now that I know, I wish I could tell you.


	2. Chapter One - Now

I still don't understand how I didn't see it. Perhaps one of the greatest queer mysteries are the homoerotic friendships we develop but never truly understand. How did we spend every second of our lives together, even plan our future together, but not ever end up together? It's funny to me, becasue I think at some point I knew, but I'll always wonder if you did too. Did you ever wish the car rides in the dark every night that ended up looking down on the valley led to something more intimate? You could have rested your head on my shoulder while our legs dangled out the back of your hatchback. I could have moved the hair from your face after the summer air misplaced it. We could have met eyes. Your eyes were so beautiful. They were grey even though you always said they were blue, but I would know becasue I studied them like you did with every test you ever took. I can almost feel what could have been your hand on my cheek, my hands in your hair, our lips barely brushing. It could have been so perfect. Those feelings to me then never made sense, and now that I understand them I want nothing more to forget. But how could I ever forget you?

Now I just write you emails. Emails I will never send becasue where you are now is somewhere my feelings can never go. All I have is the text you sent me on your birthday a year ago, and all I can wonder is if this year I'll get to hear from you again. I know I won't. I know I can't. I can't, because even if you felt it too, you can't feel it anymore. New Mexico sounds breathtaking. You used to talk about it so often. Tell me one day we would go there together. You would show me where your mother grew up. We could have a small apartment and be who we wanted to be. But now you're in New Mexico, and I'm still here. The people there are rotten lucky. I almost wish I was one of the many resident's doors you knocked on everyday asking to share a message about your gospel. Almost. I always knew the church was important to you, and you always knew it wasn't to me. I guess I just assumed one day you would put it behind you too. That's why I can't email you in fourteen days when you turn twenty. That's why my drafts are full of words I will never get to tell you. How can I tell you I love you without hurting you? The church makes you happy, and even though it hurt me in ways I cannot describe, I would never want to take that from you. The way I see it there are two outcomes to the send button. You will be disgusted by me. You will think I belong in hell. You will think I am sick. While that breaks my heart more than it already is, the second outcome is truly worse. You will realize you felt it too. You will realize all those years, what was platonic could have been more. And then, you'll go through what took me years to cope with, and I'll never put you through that. 


End file.
